^_^

I'm lucky enough to breathe, able to eat, healthy body, perfect senses and limbs, a decent face, a good family and friends and a peaceful country, I'm just lacking on realization of these facts ^_^

p/s: keep on chanting how wonderful your life is, its the best life I ever living now

Its Been a while..... heck a long time ^^"

Heya Bloggie..

Kinda missing writing smt to share about,im not the type of being outspoken or
"outminded" whatever the term is... It's just that, it happens that I wanted to tell smthing that I might read it again in the future u know?

I've been enviously admiring everybody that i know, and I wish i knew them. They seem so....happy with their life, being together with friends, their loved ones, kinda jealous by looking at their smiling faces, and is secretly wishing I have the same thing as them..

I've been reflecting myself a lot, I realized that I don't express much about myself, its not like I don't want to, but I prefer being reserved all to myself.. Don't speak much, till reality hit me!! Bang!! I think I'm being timid!! The worst kind of timid, who doesn't want to admit that she's super duper timid ayayaiii!!!

Ya I kinda hate that part of me, it does affect me in several ways, nowadays I rarely communicate enough, just take my roomates for example, I knew their name and that's it!! I don't know who they are, whr they're from blalblabla.... the same as I don't like to share my background with others till i treat them the same way too.. *sigh*

Then I realized that I was too late.. to change myself, the thing is when Im not willing to do smting, I really don't.. I'm just not that friendly enough, and hates to talk too much, my introvert side still stay strong within me... until I finally realized, I don't have anybody close, even my parents.. don't get the wrong way, I love them but I don't feel connected at all.. whenever there's a conversation, I am the only receiver, they are the sender.. most of the time, its not that I can't express myself, but I don't know what is the best way to do so.

Being fake is what I've been doing lately, doing silly jokes js to make others laugh is the least thing I can do to have a bit spark in my life, smile whenever I felt like when I was actually angry, chatting nonsense with others but at the same time worry about the worst possibility, whatever the situation is....

Maybe Im js confused, maybe Im js afraid of losing, maybe I just don't care

MAYBE its time to have something meaningful in my life.. MAYBE I NEED U... BUT WILL U RESPOND??

I know I am NOT in love but........

God, why such feelings come again, I don't need it, I want to love, but not infatuating again!!! I love him because of his babyface looks yet sexy voice?! You Devil!! Is this ur next plan of becoming reckless in self indulgence? Please I don't want it!! Not this sem, fed up already of feeling the same, this childish crush, how many time you inflict me on this, for the fourth time already!! Geezzz

p/s: wat an emotional post, sry ^^;;

The hardest thing to do is actually to love those who hated you~~

Well this post is not solely regarding to that title above, there are lot more to told about.. but my mind is currently imagining the 2nd commandment of Jesus Christ, which is to LOVE others as He had LOVED everyone..

Seriously, that one is the one I'm still struggling to make up for, as a human being I can't run away from evil feelings such as dislikeness, jealousy and even hatred, I dont particularly hate someone at the moment till I wish that person death or something.. but there's something deep inside which is terribly ugly which only myself are able to understand, and hopefully God understands too..

I cried out, not begging for forgiveness or anything.. but cried out in guilt, wondering why the hell do i have to feel this way, I kept wondering why i childishly dislike someone especially when they seems better than me, especially the ones that Im hoping to be, really hoped to be..*sigh*

Been wishing since forever to ease out these feeling.. maybe it won't fade away, I sincerely hope this evil feeling of mind don't hurt others psychically or emotionally.. I pray to GOD for this.. amen

Peristiwa Check in..

This time I shall write in Bahasa Melayu loghat Sabahan kay? My accent is not that great but at least its not complicated compared to Swakian slang, its was pretty hard for me to understand until now hehe..

Ne sebenarnya sambungan creta kami bertiga dari Borneo yang mau check-in ke bilik masing2... setelah merempuh perjalanan selama hampir 24 jam campur masa tidur kami sana airport.. akhirnya sampai juga kami ke kampus yg "disayangi" ini.

Tapi

Kami telah ditahan oleh pegawai keselamatan sana dekat depan library , bukan jg dia mau tahan kami ka apa gia, dia sekadar tanya psl tujuan kmi dtg sne kampus sbb sepatutnya suma pelajar senior diberi permission tuk check in kampus punya hostel pd 10hb... adui kitaorg suda booking tiket awal2 ba abang, tu announcement sna e-com pun baru keluar 2-3 hari lepas, padahal awal bulan lalu lagi ktorg suda start booking tiket, yalah kalau book awal2 tambang masih berpatutan, kalau last2 minit mau book, menangis owh duit terbang byk2.. tu pun nda suda ambi flight dr KL g kuantan pakai MAS, jln p kuantan naik bus, belanja kampus makin lama makin tinggi owh, sampai skarang masih lg dsponsor parents, sian sa tingu dorang berabis cari duit bha, jgn la ba kasih susah dorang sgt dalam hati sa bilang..

K k bebalik kepada peristiwa check in tue, nasib la abang guard tu sangat understanding pasal situasi kami bertiga, so dipendekkan creta ktorg lapor diri dkt jhepa pastu dorang bagi lar pas khas supaya taula kami ada hal masuk sne u awal.. smalam ada jg fasi Minds wat inspection smalam di bilik, nasip la ada tu pas, silap2 kana halau kami/ nda pun kana lecture, huhu sa knal jg tu fasi walaupun dia nda kanal sa langsung, dia paling tegas dalam pemerhatian sa dalam sesi Minds tahun lepas, tahun ne dia ikut jg rupanya, huhu mmg aktif pla dia tue..

Oh ya, sa suda check in, kawan sorang lg tumpang sa, tp ada bekas rumate sne, nda tekemas brg2 dia, so pas contact dia, dia akan kasi kemas lg brg2 dia, rupanya dia nda jg duduk sna, kwn dia pla duduk situ, tp duduk lg di bilik lain, aeekkk patutla teda org masuk bilik masa tu, hish2 nda paya la panjang creta pasal ne..

Habis suda creta psl check in, yg penting ada bilik suda bha, nnt ada lg kwn mau tumpang bemalam di bilik sebelum tarikh rasmi check in.. pastu akan dtg jg rumate2 sa yg sebenar, mcm nda sabar pla jumpa ngan dorang, ada perasaan bercampur baur jg sbb ne kali rumate sa macam jg dr golongan rumate sa ms 1st sem, tp junior ma, snang sket la tu...hmmm... harap2 la huhu

peace n out~~

A new semester has begun again!!!

The day started pretty late for my journey to go back to campus, It was the last flight on 6th from 9.25 till midnight, along with my 3 other friends, one of them was invited by their relatives to stay at KL with them, so she will go back later than both of us. Luckily one more was there to accompany us to go to KL taking the same hour of flight in Swak, so in ratio 1:2.. 1 Swakian and 2 Sabahan, all girls huhu..

Once we arrived at airport, we asked around the bus station outside, about how to go to Kuantan, in other words, which route should we take to reach the bus terminal to take bus there. But since Puduraya the main bus terminal was/still shut down for upgrade, there were two other destination left, Pekelling or Anjung Putra (Dont really remember the exact name) according to one of bus attendant there.... Hmmphh the bus attendants were really something, one was busy playing sudoku who didn't care much about our questions while the other one was mocking my Sabahan accent (I was the one who asked), wow what an interesting mentality, 1 Malaysia kunun, but making fun of others because of our own identity, should I speak English then? even Malay pun can't understand ka??

Enough with asking, we decided to stay at airport since it was too early to take bus there will be no bus to go to Kuantan anyway from terminals, moreover the fees to go there (terminal) was expensive, around RM18!! Better if we take airbus RM9 then take monorail RM2.50, then arrive at pekeliling.

So the morning came, It was a hectic nite, not being able to sleep properly because we have bench and floor left as our sleeping place haiyaa, so better than floor which is really cool, we sat on the bench sleeping till the morning come. We took the airbus, then monorail, till we arrived at Pekeliling, took the bus at 9.30.. then finally arrived at UMP around noon, hoorayyy

Well not yet until the check in process...hmm will continue tommorow if my memory still fresh about it la.

A brand new start!!!

Just now I changed my blog layout into more relaxed feeling ones taken randomly from blogspot designer. This blogging thingy isn't over yet, and Im kinda feeling hopeful, to someday being able to BE what I truly want to be.. someday, *sigh* such a unpredictable phase don't ya think?

Haiyo, haiyoo.. and haiyo.. what have i done previously through my blog.. god dammit such a unexplained matter to elaborate with ^_^;;

Fuck up mind continues again XD

emo... layan ja la emo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now possibilities I'd never considered
Are occurring the likes of which I'd never heard
Now an angry soul comes back from beyond the grave
To repossess a body with which I'd misbehaved


yeahh she came back, hurry up with your revenge!!!! He deserve it anyway, so it seems like lose2 situation, and hell i like it!!

Smiling right from ear to ear
Almost laughed herself to tears

Must have stabbed him fifty fucking times, I can't believe it
Ripped his heart out right before his eyes, eyes over easy
Eat it, eat it, eat it

Equality never seems so good >.<

Now that it's done I realize the error of my ways
I must venture back to apologize from somewhere far beyond the grave

I gotta make up for what I've done
Cause I was all up in a piece of heaven
While you burned in hell, no peace forever

Well too late my dear, cause I'm coming to give back what you've done to me wahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

waihh the rest was just the repeat of chorus of "baby don't cry" then these line comes up...

I will suffer for so long (What will you do, not long enough)
To make it up to you (I pray to God that you do)
I'll do whatever you want me to do (Well then I'll grant you one chance)
And if it's not enough (If it's not enough, it's not enough)

If it's not enough (Not enough)
Try again (Try again)
And again (And again)
Over and over again

We're coming back, coming back
We'll live forever, live forever
Let's have wedding, have a wedding
Let's start the killing, start the killing

~~ a fuckin happy ending I guess~~~

Life is Hard, but DEATH is EASY

there's one particular song that's still stuck in my head, an amazing one at least to my views.. its called A little piece of Heaven by Avenged Sevenfold, its for the fucking mindless fella to love this song... and for the hell of it, I fell for it ahahahaha...

Before the story begins, is it such a sin
For me to take what's mine, until the end of time
We were more than friends, before the story ends
And I will take what's mine, create what God would never design


Here's what I thought, there comes a time a purely sinful thought of mine when I truly despise GOD for his creation, it was not satisfying me at all, why oh why I HAVE to live this way, why am I being like this, born like this, YOU did not ask for my permission at all!!! Yeah that's what I've thought, so these lines pretty much indulging my fuckin mind that suggest, if GOD can't do it for me, then I shall do it myself, with my power....huh such a manifestation of retribution denial!!!

Our love had been so strong for far too long
I was weak with fear that something would go wrong
Before the possibilities came true, I took all possibility from you
Almost laughed myself to tears, conjuring her deepest fears


I like the line which says "I was weak with fear"... yah I am weak, and hell I'm glad of admitting it, "what if" smt goes not according to what I want?? I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WILL DO ANYTHING TO GET IT... morals are not consider anymore...blah!!

(Come here you fucking bitch)

Must have stabbed her fifty fucking times, I can't believe it
Ripped her heart out right before her eyes, eyes over easy
Eat it, eat it, eat it


She FUCKING deserve it!!! Simply sayin ahaha


She was never this good in bed, even when she was sleeping
Now she's just so perfect, I've never been quite so fucking deep in

It goes on and on and on
I can keep you looking young and preserved forever
With a fountain to spray on your youth whenever


Don't mind the two lines earlier, I can't say much except "YOU"RE FUCKING A CORPSE YOU FUCKIN' SOAB!!!!!!!!!" ahahahaha, yah he's extremely sick... But I loved how his intention to preserve his lover's youth.. hahaha... all for himself, nobody else, not even his lover.. hmm


Cause I really always knew that my little crime
Would be cold that's why I got a heater for your thighs
And I know, I know it's not your time but bye bye
And a word to the wise when the fire dies
You think it's over but it's just begun
But baby don't cry

heck, this is meaningless until the next part below..

You had my heart, at least for the most part
Cause everybody's gotta die sometime, we fell apart
Let's make a new start
Cause everybody's gotta die sometime yeah
But baby don't cry

yeah everybody'g gotta die sometime, so y not I decide my OWN time of death hmm?? Or time of others?? Sounds tempting ehehehe~~


wah long post.. i shall continue on other later 8P

The truth is, I can't live without the INTERNET!!

everyday in my daily live, waking up, tidying myself then straight go to open my laptop to surf the net... INTERNET.. what an interesting phenomena, it is something that DO exist BUT in reality, we cannot see it physically.. more or less in real life.. It's kind of alter world of our very own planet so called earth... but what is it that draws us mostly to internet of all things?? to answer this question, I need to reflect to myself about my relationship with the internet.

*weird.. all of sudden I feel dizzy @_@*

Progress Azam tahun ne...*garuk kepala*

1. GPA sampai 3.7++, setelah dicabar oleh PA

Turun pla sem ne... aduii... ndapa sem depan ada can lagi, dun give up!!

2. Rutin Harian lebih konsisten, maksudnya nda lupa cuci muka, berus gigi, ngan hal2 yg sewaktu dgnnya ahahaa.. tp serius ne sbb perkara ne sudah jarang sa tekankan.

Tpksa blajar disiplin balik ne..ish


3. Melayani-Nya dgn lebih mendalam, maksudnya rajin2 baca bible (seminggu 3 kali pastu tiap2 hari lah), p church (sebagai perlayanan yg sa mampu lakukan) dan bt confession, sa masih br so sa blum ada experience pasal bhgn itu.

Time management still on progress... paham2 ja lah

4. Belajar balik Bahasa Mandarin ngan Jepun, at least 1 day is dedicated to revise a bit of both these language.

x buat tapi perasan jg ada improvement sikit, at least buli paham la bila dgr bhs2 ne dipertuturkan

5. Improve my Emotional Intelligence, speech, and my critical thinking skills.
ON progress

6. Jumpa PA seminggu sekali, sedaya upaya cari masalah pas tu berundinglah ngan dia. Kalau teda tue jan la pandai2 p kacau bha kan?
ON progress

7. Tambah berat badan!! Yg sebenarnya sa rs ok suda sbb smakin kurus, cuma tinggal mau tambah kepejalan otot jak ahahahhaa.. biar tough 2 badan sket.
Batal!! Tukar kpd senaman lah


8. Re-plan hajat mau daki Gunung Kinabalu.
Budget n scope problem

9. Kumpul duit sket2 mau pg Oversea, kena check status passport dlu la ne.

Bru tpg Singapore, mau pg Jepun ne
10. Belajar naik basikal, kalau pandai suda, beli second hand punya.. kalau bru punya nda mampu wei.
Stakat ne masih pakai kaki

11. Expand my network connection little by little, guna facebook la sbg main tools dia uhuhuhu.
On progress

12. Be a bit expressive, don't care what other's think without challenging their sensitivity. Progress infinite

13. Blajar sket pasal Microsoft Project. Not started >.<

14. Blajar sket pasal grooming technique. still 1% progress

Let's learn the truth... for real this time

The truth is.... I think more than speak and write, I observe rather than participate, I listen rather than hear...

Truth is....I'm just a weak parasite, living by depending on others and at the same time doesn't have own space of life..

Truth is, I'm selfish, more than others can imagine, i put myself first, never once others..

Truth is, I'm a coward... a true coward who easily gets demotivated when something goes wrong..

If these truths ever become lie.. then I am the most grateful of all

Thinking of terminating my blog >.>

maybe blogging is simply not my thing, perhaps its just a mischievous way of thinking.. well lets see, if there's no update within a month of this blog... consider it dead already *shoots*

The truth is, I DONT CARE ANYMORE!!!!

seriously, whatever that is happening around me doesn't seems to bother me at all,

festive season? Marriage? that shit has nothing to do with me at all!!!
Who are you to call yourself my brother you freaky selfish bastard!!!
I dont recall having any siblings.. you just saying whatever pleases you... n thats y I enjoyed myself by not responding to you, I knew that annoys you so much as i do whenever you were pestering me to follow whatever you said.... blarggghhh.. makes me wanna throw up you sleazy fella!!!

I'm grateful and I'm giving thanks to all~

Firstly, thank you God, for ever made me born in this World and is still alive today..

Thank You to my Parents, Mama, you are an almost impossible for me to follow your footsteps for, but you're a definitely an inspiration to me, thank you for being my mother, thank you for doing your role, thank you for loving me.. thank you for everything, I am grateful for ever being you daughter, I'm truly grateful for being a part of your life and mine too. And Achan too, MY Daddy, your suffocating love and affection for me are truly an wonderful expression for me to not be afraid to give all just to love someone..

To my friends, thank you for your attention to know me.. honestly I haven't found a real friendship yet but I'm pretty sure there will be someone who will be my real friend. But, thanks anyway for letting me be part of your memory..

To those who hurt/dislike me, thank you for letting me know you, what you guys did will surely encourage me to be stronger in my life, mentally and emotionally, thanks for provoking that vulnerable part of me.

p/s: Thanks to all

Mau release tension jap...Sbb tengah emo2 ne

Is it My fault? Is it not? God I'm seriously troubled..

This situation happened just yesterday to be exact, to be frank I was uncomfortable with the "blame" some fellow pinpointing at me, ouchh Its soo uneasy to type the exact words you know? Of what I actually want to say? The story goes like this..

I was looking for notes for the preparation for my finals,but smhow I couldn't find the exact notes I was looking for.. our lecturer was so nice to actually give out useful tips of questions, all we have to do was just look for the answers, and that wasn't an easy task u know? Searching through books and internet, there were still few answers that couldn't be found, luckyly my roomate share me some notes she took from someone else... and this starting to turn upside down of the whole situation. Too lazy to elaborate more on what happened, in the end, I was being "accused" for plagarize other's notes.. and I was, WTH? Since when notes have its ownerships? I'm just trying to help myself and my other friends, well if you r the one who wrote the note, then next time please write down you own name BIG ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE TO SEE!! Seriously I typed back all the notes to compare with mine on which one is more suitable for me to write for the examination, because the writing sucks!!! Well, nothing was written there not to share with other, so what's wrong with sending out out to ppl? Hey I did tell them I was not the ones who came up with the answers, FYI information, I myself did try to locate the source of the notes, who wrote it, and honestly I didn't know at all, and currently the "owner" was furious because of somebody was doing that, and that happened to be me! Gosh.... GOSHHHHH!!! What load of crap is going on?? The feeling of uneasyness and unable to let it out seems the worst for me, if I am not wise enough, I just want to shout to everyone, Y U GUYS DID THIS TO ME? I AM TOTALLY INOCENT AND Y I AM PAYING INSTEAD?

p/s: mad is mad... i AM MAD right now

warghh!!

This week is definitely the most challenging throughout this sem, after lenten season of course, this time I've been tempted to feel hatred, jealousy, enviousness.... God I'm starting to get tired la..

Penat mau layan perasaan2 negatif ne, bgs lg sa ulangkaji subjek sa.. ada lg harapan dpt tambah markah final huhuhu~~

p/s: enough is enough, too much is just too much... XP

Often I envy other's strenghth, yet I look down to much of my own ...

At times like these, when I'm supposed to do smt more important... but this timeI just want to let out all the negative feelings I've been keeping.. in other words, to make this blog somehow an outlet for me to get rid of the things that kept on "poisoning" my thoughts.. during my previous post.. it worked somehow, at least i can tell the differences... more or less.. this blogging thingy feels like a "therapy to me".... let's be serious now shall we?...

If you notice on my yesterday's post, especially on the last paragraph I mentioned about "jealousy" right? Yah.. I AM STILL FEELING JEALOUS towards somebody and hate it for feeling this way.. really hate it...... tired of asking why I got such feelings, because I can't and still answer it..

My body is feeling strangely tired recently, do i need to jog a bit to release sm toxins??

need to pray... seriously

Halooooo!! Lama nda blogging * hehe pada masa yg salah lg tue..

ya taula mmg sudah lama sa nda memblog d sne.. jujur sa katakan minggu lepas mmg sibuk-sesibuk sibuknya, sampaikan teda masa tuk cuci kain baju, sapu lantai,makan, mandi ehhh nda la sampai nda sempat mandi ba ahahaha...

so u guys wondering y only now i started to blog again?? Because I HAVE the time and IM bored... supposedly I'm on the process of revising my subjects to prepare for final, but can't help it laaa.. my brain just won't "digest" whatever I'v read so far, alalala... so alang2 suda bw laptop sne.. biar la sa lepas gian jap, lepaskan stress gitu.. nnt sa sambung study balik.. promise!!!

Hmm sa mulakan ngan creta facebook dlu... makin lama, semakin saya dahagakan perhatian dr laman yg "terchenta" ne.. maksud saya kan, kalau sa shoutout smthing sna, "friends" saya mestila at least tick "like" d post saya atau comment d sna.. tapi kebelakangan ne.. mcm teda sambutan jak, sbb apa jak yg sa post, akan berlalu gitu jak... sedih jg rasanya.. sbb teda yg respon, sedangkan yg kwn sa yg lain kan...ntah buduh2 camna dorang post pun tatap jg ada yg membalas punya... sa benci ngan feeling yg camne, seolah2 sa jeles ngan dorang yg dpt perhatian tue, sa pla nda kana layan.. pastu lama kelamaan sa pikir balik.. kalau gini la keadaannya, bgs sa terminate jak fb tue.. tp jgn la.. byk kenalan sa yg ptg2 sna.. better logout ja la.. abis final bukak lg... so keputusannya.. buat ms skarang jan check fb lu, mcm yg slalu sa wat.. asal ada internet jak... wajib buka fb lu aalalalallalala...

And next, is about smbdy... dun't want to mention his name, at least his gender is known already laa... I'm starting to lose respect of him, especially for what he did to me and my friend. It was a very long story and I dont have much energy to tell in detail, but in short, he had BETRAYED me and how he did it was not very nice and matured at all.. at that time I knew what exactly he did then my friend told me abt it.. I was laughing like mad at first.. but when I saw that many had giving their "support" for what I DID TO HIM (and I 100% believe was not my doing) as he said to everyone abt me.. i was starting to get furious.. I asked him nicely what his intention are.. and how he answered was unexpected.. and the furiousity became even worse... I acted calm at first, but when he started his own "symphaty gaining" game again.. I shoot him back, and asked him to remove what he said on sm website (I think you know which website it is)..... one more thing, the anonymous character he described abt me was not to cover up my name, instead make's other feel more curious to know who it is actually he was referring about... and that alone makes me very2 mad.. until now... Well at least I know his true character at last, I pity him actually at first, but to pity sm1 who does not EVEN try to consider other's feeling also.. i think its not worth it.. now my feelings for him is almost going towards hatred... I dislike him now seriously, every time he sweet start talk to me or anybody else, I don't want to care anymore for I don't trust him anymore.. Forgive me Lord, I forgave him half-heartedly, because I can't forget what he did to me... haizzz..

Creta seterusnya pasal kes cemburu... ya sa ada perasaan cemburu yang kian parah... sama teman2, teman2 kepada teman2... adoii.. malas sa mau elaborate sne, tp mmg sa cemburu sgt la, sampai tahap dengki pun ada jgk sket2.. susah la, saya manusia biasa jak, bukan santo2, x dpt saya hapuskan sepenuhnya perasaan buruk ne, alangkah busuk hatinya saya..ya saya mengaku saya ne mmg jahat dalam part ne.. dah tu saya sudah jarang rujuk kepada-NYA dan buat lg perkara2 yg berdosa... Tuhan tlg la "laknat" kan saya sket bt sa sedar... x sanggup lg tanggung perasaan gilak ne..

haha.. finish already what I wanted to say.. see you soon, or not much sooner XD

bye for now,

p/s: Illumination, is all my heart need at this moment

Ada satu crita lama, agak lucu tp bikin malu

HIGHLIGHT: Saya terkantoi tertidur dalam kelas!

Yup, besala smua orang pun pernah tertidur dalam kelas kan?? Bg yg x pernah tu sa puji kamurang la~~ Dipanjangkan crita, sa ms tue tidak tidur semalaman wat assignment, berjanji pada diri sendiri selagi kerja lum siap, slagi tu la sa nda mau tidur.. so besoknya.. sa gi kelas mcm besa. Kelas Proposal writing ok lg masih bersemangat sket, skali sampai Kelas Portfolio suda, sa tertidur pla pd kbynkkan masa, bygkan 3 jam ba lamanya tue kelas?! Sa duduk depan lg tue, lawak gilak sbb tue lecturer sporting btl2 biarkan jak sa tertidur d depan dia, aduss ktawa berabis satu kelas, siap tangkap gambar sa lg tue adididi~~ malu siot~~ duii napa la sa postkan dlm blog ne hah? mau kasi hilang tu rasa malu kali huahahahah..

So I learned the lesson the hardest way... I am myself, I set my own time, so any fault occur, then Its my own responsibility to handle la....

Sa bukan mcm org lain yg besa nda tidur beberapa hr.. sa ne Sleeping Beauty, pasal tidur la sa lum ada jerawat lagi tau ahahaha... len kali sa mau tidur juga nda kira keja siap ka tida.. sbb masa kuliah tu yg paling berharga sbnrnya pada pendapat sa~~

p/s: Manasal oku no di~~

lagu terjiwang tp paling best dlu2 la- End of the World by The Carpenters

Why does the sun go on shining?

Why does the sea rush to shore?

Don't they know it's the end of the world

'Cause you don't love me anymore?



Why do the birds go on singing?

Why do the stars glow above?

Don't they know it's the end of the world

It ended when I lost your love



I wake up in the morning and I wonder

Why ev'rything is the same as it was

I can't understand, no, I can't understand

How life goes on the way it does!



Why does my heart go on beating?

Why do these eyes of mine cry?

Don't they know it's the end of the world?

It ended when you said goodbye



Don't they know It's the end of the world?

It ended when you said goodbye


p/s: adui sedihnya~~

And the torture continues...

yup makin lama makin parah suda ne, kerja kat kampus tu laa apa lg? Adui masalahnya sampai x sempat sy mo study pasal mau siapkan assignment jak... tp yg paling sa takut skrg ialah terjatuh sakit, demam terutamanya.. sudah la panas terik kebelakangan ne, kalau jatuh sakit... makna mau "babai" la pada cgpa sa kunu.....nda perasan pla satu bulan lebih suda hujan nda turun2.. aie mana ba suda suara sumbang menyanyi tue? Cuba test song sket.. mana tau berguruh tue langit ahahaha

p/s: sa suka lg closed book test dr open book test owh.. at least ko buli hentam lagi, kalau open book... aduh jawapan bukan dalam buku tue!!!

this season is tiring my body, mind and soul... for a good reason

Because its Lenten Season my dear friends...

yup walaupun dgn assignments yg berlambak2 cam mau buang ja p laut suma tue, saya sedar melalui penderitaan kecil saya ini teda tandingannya dengan apa yg tuhan Yesus Kristus telah lalui demi "assignment"nya sendiri, iaitu menyelamatkan anak2 Bapa yg dibuai dengan dosa2 mereka dengan mengorbankan dirinya di Kayu Salib...

Lots of things happened, shit happens, but the good events managed to cover up my sorrows. My days with friends has been the most precious time I had recently few days ago. Sometimes I complain a lot, and forget about Him... but this time I really do forget, this Lent season seems to make me understand that He never forgets about me and remind me that He is always there.

But what makes me sad now is.... I still haven't changed a bit, still the crazy-ass lazy-girl... sleeping hours is my best friend for now, and my campus work, I treat them as my enemy... an enemy which I suppose to love, because through them I can get my results with flying colors... I really want to improve my GPA this semester, and my course assessment seems the only way that I must go through...

Now the questions is, am I doing my best so far? I can guarantee you that I tried, but am not sure whether I did what I promised or not.. one thing for sure is.... my efforts are not enough! I felt that I wasted a lot of time sleeping and idling thus doing smt else besides study.. and sadly Im still doing it..

For the rest things, I gained new experiences unrelated to my campus life... gotong-royong at St. Theresa lets me taste the most delicious foods (porks ehehe), meeting Mr.Greg and the committe from ASAYO KLCC has opened my heart a little bit, I saw a bit of Fr. Danny's true color and Cap Goh Mei (Previously known as Chinese New Year) dinner at Mexico Hotel was awesome!! I enjoyed them soo much till my burdening feelings on my work has ease out a bit.. but they are worth it!! Can't tell much about it, Im not a good grandmother storyteller.. better u read my friends blog instead..

Till then.. see ya..

p/s: Ya Bapa di Syurga, tolonglah saya dalam memperkuatkan iman saya demi terus mengingatiMu serta lindungilah saya dari anasir2 yang bisa menyelewengkan matlamat saya, Amin...

I need to come back... dear Lord!!!

Yup sudahla dengan keadaan saya yang makin merisaukan ne, lepas abis flu hari tue, sa rasa smakin lemah longlai.. cam ada byk lagi toksin dalam badan sa yang sa x berjaya keluarkan... akibatnya, sa rasa semakin malas.... sa kena "come back" macam ne kalau tidak susah sa dpt "flying colors" dalam academic sa sem ne.. kalau CGPA makin turun, takut pla sa "give up" tuk teruskan course ne..... stakat ne sa blum ada "contigency" plan tuk menyelesaikan masalah ne... apa yg sa boleh buat stakat ne sekadar memohon pertolongan Tuhan melalui doa saja ne...adeiii sedihnya...

The Lowest Level of My Roller Coaster

whatever it is, during the holiday after Melaka trip, my lifes goes upside down, I was bedridden for almost 4 days, messed up my interview, havent finish my assignments, I'm getting lazier, I got tired easily, I get emotional too soon..I forgot about God, forgot to pray.. in short, I felt like HELL right now and I dont like this situation at all.. Too much toxin is currently resides in my body.....

Im' Extremely Disatisfied

Today is currently the saddest and most dissapointing day of my life so far.. not being emo actually, but I was totally devastated by the presentation for Environment Subject, especially for our group..

Saya sekarang dalam mood untuk menyalahkan satu2 pihak dan rasanya nda berapa adil saya berperasaan macam tue, tapi kalau sa x luahkan takut bernanah perasaan negatif saya ini..

Grp kami telah menjadi mangsa pengurusan yang lemah, kami ada masa ckp tuk prepare tapi kmi x diberi guide yang lengkap tuk task kmi, ada sstengah part yang kami langsung x tau yg harus kami wat tuk mendapat markah yang sepatutnya... K mula2 lecturer kami dah bagi lampu hijau tuk isi2 yang kami akan bentangkan, tetapi bila sudah sampai masa pembentangan tiba2 ne lecturer lain cakap kami wat poster salah... ada masalah dengan tajuk, katanya tajuk sepatutnya lebih specific lagi. Dia x mau pun tengok pembentangan kami macammana dan terus tanya soalan.... sedangkan grp lain mau sampai setengah jam dia luangkan masa, siap tolong grp lain lagi...and then bila tiba giliran kami akhirnya, tak mau tanya lebih mendalam pla..

Sakit hati saya masa tue, segala usaha keras ktorg tuk cr isi, saya design poster, sy baca rujukan sampai x tidur semalaman utk presentation, dipandang sebelah mata sahaja oleh penilai ini. Phamplet pula last minit ja kmi sempat print, tu pun last minit wat, padahal arahan ne sudah sepatutnya diberitahu sebelum cuti, sekurang-kurangnya sempat lagi mau wat kalau tau awal2.... Poster tu sendiri tu pun ada kurang 2 lagi point yg penting tuk markah.....

Pendek cerita, kami mjd mangsa keadaan dan kami yg tanggung akibatnya, Yup Im' being emotional right now I know that but I can't help it...

p/s: Sabar sajala, next time kan ada lagi~~

Movie Review.. Avatar

Heh~~ apakan daya sudah lama sa tak tengok wayang sbb asyik layan assignment ngan drama korea jak ehehe... sekali tengok movie.. trus masuk di otak ba.... Pendeknya Avatar mmg berbaloi tuk di"layan" lah~~

First time sa dgr review pasal Movie ne, sy tak berani tengok sbb ada yg bilang plot dia sangat rumit... yup sa stuju akhirnya lps tengok muvi ne, tapi kalau cuba try fahamkan di awal2 cerita barula masuk logik creta tue..

Ada 3 aspek yang ditekankan dalam cerita ini pada pendapat saya, 1>Masa Hadapan 2> Pencarian Sumber dan 3> Conflict antara dua makluk berbeza..

Synopsis> Jake tlah kehilangan kembarnya yang merupakan seorang saintis, kembar dia ne ada "avatar"nya sendiri, k yg part ne sbntar lagi saya terangkan... Jake ne salah seorang daripada askar military tetapi dia direquest oleh goverment utk mengambil alih tempat kembarnya sbg "host" avatar dia, dengan reward dia dapat berjalan seperti biasa, Jake sorg kurang upaya sbb lumpuh bahagian bawah badan... hmm sa tau yang part avatar tu yg buat confuse kan? Bg yg suda tingu pun rsnya masih ada jg yg binggung tue ehehe...

Pada zaman akan datang, manusia semakin kekurangan sumber, terutamanya mineral dari batu-batuan, so lepas lebih ntah berapa puluh tahun sa pun x ingat, dorang jumpa la planet yang seakan2 planet bumi, digelar Navi, tp planet ne mmg cantik gilak la ehehe, sumber2 mmg byk, tp ada halangannya, kaum "Avatar" menguasai planet tsb, lebih kurang mcm manusia menguasai bumi la... so manusia kira mau "jajah" planet ne la tuk dapatkan sumber tue...... so ada dua pihak yang terlibat, 1 pihak mau jajah dgn peperangan/ military... satu pihak lagi yang mau guna pendekatan diplomasi/rundingan ngan kaum Avatar....

So pihak yg "diplomasi" wat la projek "avatar" dengan mencipta makluk tu sendiri tetapi dengan minda seorang manusia.... camna mau trangkan ah?? k contohla ko ada satu lagi badan baru yang hidup... tetapi teda "roh"... so manusia akan guna la "roh" mrk sbg host Avatar tue... projek ne kira yang paling mahal berbanding dengan investment tuk military, so kembar si Jake sudah ada avatarnya kan? Tp disebabkan dia sudah meninggal, si Jake la kena ambil tempat dia sbb DNA dia sama dgn avatar yg telah dicipta..... haha paham ka stakat ne? paham ba kan??... yg merumitkan lagi, Jake yg berasal dari Military base ne direquest lagi tuk men"spy" bahagian ne tuk menyiasat selok belok tempat tinggal avatar ne, so dorang dapat attack tmpt tue, reward dia dia dpt berjalan spt besa..

So Jake ikut ja la rancangan dorang ne.. so dia jadi la salah sorang "avatar" di tempat dorang, tjumpa sorang avatar asli, perempuan lagi tue ehehe.. so dia tertarik la ngan dia ne, trus dia tertarik juga ngan kehidupan kaum di sana, sampai suatu ketika dia rasa part dia sbg manusia dianggap sbg mimpi berbanding dgn dirinya sbg avatar, pendek crita dia mmg "jatuh cinta" la dgn role sbg Avatar.. pas tue.. jeng3x tingula sndri.. sa spoil byk suda tue..

p/s: yg lum tingu tue, tingula sbb mmg x rugi.. byk pengajaran dari creta ne, terutamanya value ttg kehidupan~~~

Im going smwhere, wish me a safe Journey!!!

Yup going to Melaka soon, to relief some stress due to campus life, then will cm back to deal with them again.. Im definately going crazy if I don't take this vacation.

So besala pasal assignment ngan test kat kampus tue... kalau mau complaint pun itu2 juga, bosan mendengarkan benda yang sama jak, kan?

Tp sa risau jg ngan perjalanan pg ke Melaka ne, palis2 la x da benda2 terjadi pada kami semua, then kira mau pg Cameron Highlands lg, tp sa risau ngan hal ehwal kampus pla, kalau ditangguh lama2 merana nanti...so sa x mau pg la, sorry Fr x dpt melawat ko this time TT^TT

I think one of my main problem is currently to manage my time. Currently still can't figure out when is my best time according to biological clock..sleeping recklessly, eat not according to time, doing smthing else other than studying.. *sigh* I really need to reset' myself up!! Or else, I might get sick easily...

That's all for now.. btw.. Happy Chinese New Year n Valentines Day to all!!!

......what topic for today?.....

Now is the time that I seriously dont know what to write about today...... and yet here I am typing away uhuhuhuhuh.... Maybe I need a kickstart...kk.... how am I feeling today.....bad....why?..........just got out of bed...................what happened?............ Because I ate the "ikan pari" that contains lots of salts till it enter my brain and it says "duiii masin juga benda yg ko makan ne? Apa ka hal?"

Yesterday was the PSP event...Pesta Sinar Ponggal la....guess what? Im the tresurer for this event, the show was.....good.. am I being too honest here? do you even care? >.<

My, thinking for ideas to write about is sure tiring thing to do, suddenly i think of Japanese drama Honey n Clover for this situation, why that happened? dunno I just too lazy to explain for now....

p/s: idle3x... please stop doing that!!!

seriously my EQ at lowest level at the moment...

I met Prof just now, after numerous attempts to set an appointment with him, finally when I myself am not prepared, I collect my guts to meet with him today..... then I did met him, all I felt(until now) was a relief, regret, sad, disappointed, glad and many more the mixture of it.. moreover, strangely I wanted to cry for being able to finally met him... why the heck I feel emotional about this?.. I wonder...

It was a relief to meet him, because I can discuss about our topic and finally get a clear path of it, I felt regret because I don't meet his expectation, I was sad because I just can't face him the way I faced with my friends, and I'm disappointed because the way I behave during my meeting with him... I act like a "chicken" in front of him..

I was swept away by his tough kindness, he helped me on my materials on what should I read for my group's research, he even printed some for me. Maybe to him, Its just normal to help his students his way, but to me, I felt appreciated, touched by such an act..

Seriously I was brainwashed by how we "ice break", then using his ability to dig out every "bad side" of me, which I myself don't realize and I'm shocked by it... This meeting has definitely a kick start to form a new me.... but I need some time for that..

P/s: Thanks be to God for this day!!!

Purposely Idle Myself....

I have this particular feeling in which, I just don't have the mood to do anything related to academic matter.... assignment, tests, study and revision.... I just toss it away!! Despite these are IMPORTANT and URGENT matters, as my prof said, lecturer of Research Method, I still wanted to do more unimportant things.... such as what I am doing right now.. Blogging!!!

I'm getting fed up by this situation, so what i did (Im' doing to be frank) was to stare at the monitor until the "mood" comes back... come on Cyetha, next week you have test what?!! I googled anything related to my subjects, read them.. read and read, until my hands n fingers wants to move.... at the same time, i want to read comics, check facebook, watch drama n movie... My God, I'm terribly annoyed by this..... Its like the devil and angel inside me is having a battle of who wins first..... and I'm waiting for the results to come out... who wins anyway?? But in the end I'm NOT doing anything.... anything beneficial nor useless... but waiting is such a waste of time....

p/s: I'm really stressed because of this.. knowing what you're supposed to do is easier that actually doing it *Sigh*

Bagaimana Mencapai Kematangan??

Sejenak aku memikirkan, adakah perlakuan aku boleh dikatakan sebagai orang dewasa? kadang2 terbit rasa resah dan bimbang tentang personaliti diriku pada masa kini, adakah terlalu kebudak-budakan? Ataupun terlalu serius dalam mengajar tahap kematangan? ~~~~ Huhhh.. here I go again with the ayat2 yang skema ehehehe..

Sebenarnya apa bha maksud menjadi matang ne, sa ada rujuk d kamus tadi, definisi yg sa paling selesa ialah menjadi grown-up atau dewasa gitula... Bingung memang bingung dengan ketidakpastian dengan tahap kematangan diri saya...

Apakah yang boleh dikatakan seorang yang matang? Susah ne sebab saya pun x tau sebenarnya... cuma sa dapat share pengalaman saya dalam mengenali ciri2 jenis orang yang matang pada pandangan saya.... ne mau crita jg la, melalui personaliti orang2 yang saya telah kenali, sa x akan dedahkan nama diorang ne, nanti risau dituduh buat andaian sembarangan pula.

Miss A, kenal setakat setahun lebih, perangai dan perwatakan menampakkan seorang wanita, lemah lembut, pintar bertutur, bijak mengatur masa. Dia ne seorang yang aktif dalam menjalankan aktiviti, mungkin disebabkan itu dia bijak berinteraksi dgn org lain berdasarkan pengalaman tersebut, kuat iman dalam beragama...

Mr B, kenal pun setakat setahun lebih, seorang yang berani bercakap, bijak mengawal perasaan, petah berbicara dalam BM, BI dan bahasa ibundanya, mesra dan mudah didekati x kira golongan usia, serius dalam aktiviti dan juga dengan pelajarannya, masih single... cuma sa rasa dia sukar didekati terutama kalau part nak bercouple ngan dia ahahaha..

Miss C, seorang yang kuat bercakap, lincah, berani mengeluarkan pendapat, otaknya bergeliga cepat menangkap sst yg diajar, aktif dalam aktiviti luar kelas... cuma kadang2 bersikap kebudak-budakan tetapi kena dengan tempatnya.

ramai lagi sebenarnya.. tapi macam lebih kurang juga penerangannya... ada orang yang attitude dia nampak ja macam kebudak-budakan tapi otaknya buli tahan, ada juga yang sebaliknya...

So jenis apa kematangan yang saya ingin capai sebenarnya?? Sampai sekarang masih berfikir ne...

kejamkah perasaan aku ne?

Di suatu pagi yang indah, aku bersiap2 pergi ke kelas, pada masa itu, kelas berjalan seperti biasa... kecuali ada satu yang lainnya..... ADA TEST la pulak!!! Ahahaha.. saja jak..

Ba gini ba critanya, besanya sa mmg malas gila la mau bangun awal pagi mo bersiap2 gi kelas, angka jam 8 pagi mcm sa mau buang ja dalam kamus hidup sa, datang kelas pun buli tahan jg lambat... Tapi yang peliknya, sa bersemangat pla hr ne mau g kelas, tidur pun rasa cukup jg..... tau2 Mdm. ada rencana sendiri pla, dia mau bg test ngan kitaorg, so sapa yang dtg jam 8.10 dan ke atas pagi tue... nda dpt ambil test tue sbb dia dah kunci pintu dari dalam..... alalallala

So mcm sa rasa kesian tp pada masa yg sama "bersukacita" pula ngan yg datang lambat ne... dalam hati sa fikir "Itula, slalu datang lambat, balik2 muka yang sama, Kotoh korang!!", dan lebih kurang macam gitu la... dan mcm sa rasa bersalah sangat ngan tanggapan sa ne..... macam mana kalau sa yang d tempat dorang? Macam mana kalau dorang memang x berniat langsung mau dtg lambat? Mcmnana kalau dorang ada hal penting sbb tu lambat?? Hal ne lama suda sa nda terfikir.... tapi saya rasa ada positifnya kejadian pagi ne... lain kali JGN lagi dtg kelas lambat2~~ Huh...sa insaf suda ne ehehe...

So pada yg kana kunci dari luar tu tadi, sabar2 la korang k? jadikan sbg pengajaran, bukan mainlepas geram gitu jak... mcm teman sa di facebook tue.. bukan main emosional lg, siap doakan yg buruk2 kpd org dtg awal tadi~~ jangan gitu bah.....

Wali Band - Egokah Aku~~

Ha~~ tadi sa ada post pasal topic ego kan.. ne ada lagu yg paling berbahaya n jiwang di alam semesta ini...

Ku… tak pernah merasa
Gundah di hatiku, Ketika denganmu
Saat kau, Kau belai rambutku
Kau temani aku, Kau basuh lukaku

Kini semua berlalu
Karena engkau tak memilihku

Salahkah aku mencintaimu
Walau kutahu kutak dihatimu
Egokah aku memilikimu
Walau kutahu kau tak memilihku
Kuharap tuhan cabut nyawamu
Agar tak ada yang milikimu

Sadarkah kini ku tak rela
Iman ku telah sirna
Mimpiku tak nyata

Kini semua berlalu
Karena engkau tak memilihku

Salahkah aku mencintaimu
Walau kutahu kutak dihatimu
Egokah aku memilikimu
Walau kutahu kau tak memilihku
Kuharap tuhan cabut nyawamu
Agar tak ada yang milikimu
Kuharap tuhan cabut nyawamu
Agar tak ada yang milikimu

Ba ba, sapa la yg ada perasaan mcm, cepat2 la bertobat k? Nda baik ba harap org tu mampus sbb dia nda suka ko balik eheheheheh~~~

Egokah Aku??

Apakah sebenarnya maksud ego itu?? Saya masih samar2 dalam memikirkan maksud di sebalik kosa kata ini.. Egokah aku? Jika ya... setakat manakah ego aku... itulah persoalan utama yg ingin saya rungkaikan...... adei3x.. ayat berbunga lagi nampaknya ne ehehehehehehe~~

Apa ba sebenarnya maksud ego ne? Sa suda check kamus, pun tidak berapa membantu sa dalam memahami maksud perkataan ni, jadi sa cuba mendefinisikan menurut pemahaman saya la..

Ego boleh dikatakan satu sifat kesombongan, tapi bukannya sampai menjadi bongkak (kamus bilang bongkak pula)... Ego bermaksud mempunyai prinsip yg tetap teguh walaupun dicabar oleh org tak kira org tu lebih baik dari segi pengalaman, usia, kecerdasannya...... Ego bermaksud menjadi diri sendiri walaupun kadangkala menyakitkan hati org lain utk menerima hakikat tersebut.... Ego juga mungkin tidak mahu menerima pendapat orang lain, juga bersifat keras kepala... Ego adalah adalah sikap yang dipunyai oleh setiap manusia.... ada org Egonya tinggi, ada yang sederhana dan ada juga yang rendah Egonya.... kalau tiada ego tu macam mustahil pula, sebab ego adalah suatu perasaan tuk mengatakan bahawa kita memang wujud di dunia dan punyai keperluan masing2...

So berbalik kepada persoalan tadi, Egokah saya ne?? Jawapan saya.. ya memang saya Ego.... ego yang macam mana tue??? Tulah yang sampai sekarang tengah dilamun pertanyaan ne~~ Adakah ego saya cukup, adakah tidak munasabah??

Saya rasa ego saya bergantung kepada situasi la... kalau dalam studies.. saya open ja.. maksudnya sa tak berapa mengkritik apa yang diajar oleh lecturer ataupun classmate/coursemate/fakultimate/unimate (banyak pla mate sa ne~~).. sebab saya menganggap ia sebagai knowledge sharing.... keburukannya.. sa seolah-olah sekadar menerima jak apa kata org, saya tidak cuba menyelidiki lagi disebalik sesuatu prinsip, formula, fakta2 dan sebagainya..... sebab saya sndri belum tentu pakar dalam bidang tue... kadang2 ada sst tu dickp org, sa ada fakta yang boleh mengkritik org tue, tp saya tak berani ckp sebab saya sudah lupa sumbernya.... kalau sekadar cakap kosong tu... ntah la ada kali sa terlepas cakap sekali dua eheheheh

Kalau dalam membuat keputusan, tingu keadaan juga.. kalau melibatkan lebih dari satu pihak... saya tidak akan membuat keputusan sendiri, melainkan terpaksa dan direlakan oleh pihak2 itu sendiri... tp sa lebih suka kalau dapat duduk berbincang, bukannya semua saya yang kena perah otak ba~~

Dalam membuat keputusan sendiri, yang ini saya rasa tahap ego saya yang tertinggi sekali......... pengaruh org lain tetap memainkan peranan, tapi yang penting, keputusan tue terletak di tangan saya... Contoh terbaik, masa saya ditawarkan lawatan ke China..... saya memang gembira sesangat ditawarkan peluang yang jarang buli dapat..... tapi masalah timing n cost memang membebankan saya... So antara peluang keemasan dan bebanan yang saya terpaksa tanggung kalau saya pergi juga.. saya pilih untuk tidak ambil peluang itu...

Satu lagi contoh, kelab IMPROSH, peluang juga tue.. tapi saya memang x berminat langsung...so x mau fikir panjang2... kadang2 bikin sakit hati kalau org mempersoalkan keputusan saya... terutamanya pg China... benda suda jadi, napa mau timbang2 lagi? saya x dpt pg juga.. noktah!

Ego saya juga tercabar bila orang memberi nasihat, sbb yang akan tanggung tu saya, bukan diorang yg bg nasihat tue~~ Lagila bikin sakit hati kalau org bg nasihat pasal perkara yang saya mmg suda dan terfikirkan akan buat, x payah la ingatkan saya lagi.... dulunya di blog ne, sa tak bagi peluang kpd org luar tuk wat comment tau, tak tau napa tapi sa rasa masa tu EGO sa mmg tinggi sangat..

Ego tetap ego, tapi sekurang-kurangnya jangan sampai terjejas la~~ terjejas yang bagaimana, saya kena fikir lagi owh pasal ini....

lalalalalalala

Y Im' seeking for Vocation/ Mengapa saya meminta Panggilan??

Persoalan ini sampai sekarang masih membelenggu hatiku.. Sukar tuk dimengerti mengapa aku berperasaan seperti ini..duii yaii berbunganya ayat ehehehehe

Gini.......Im' a straightforward kind of person, no poems or whatsoever to describe what exactly I wanted to say... Initially, I want to serve the God more than what I did throughout the past years n days... I wanted...to become...a nun/novice.....

But what I'm worried the most is that I have such shallow reasons of why I want to become one... That makes me down a little.. You see, to become a novice is NO JOKE, I must be prepared, mentally, spiritually, physically.... and there's absolutely no going back once I made this decision.. For now Im still considering this, fikir masak2 cam tue la, for sure Im not seriously pursuing to become sister in this current time, perhaps after my graduation, but still.... Im hoping for the right moment... But I myself need to start first... jangan sekadar meminta shj, usaha tu perlu ada juga, stakat ini baru ada perasaan tuk menjadi sister, pas ne sa akan buat research pla pasal hal ne.. hehe ada juga guna sa masuk U ba~~

Y I wanted to become a sister? Padahal, sa sendri bukannya terer sgt dalam hal ehwal agama Christian, sa pun selalu dibelenggu oleh dosa2 saya yg sa sendiri sedar sa sd buat atau dosa2 yg sa x sedar sa suda buat ka tida... sa lum habis baca bible lg, in fact sa baru start, x pernah pg sunday school, malas g gereja, malas sembahyang, kacang lupakan kulit kalau hidup sudah senang... kalau dfikirkan balik, sa terasa kecewa sangat2 ngan sapa diri sa yg sebenarnya.... I feel as if I betrayed God for what I did to Him... If only I can get mildly understand what He feels towards me and my actions... I might cry... a lot...

His Love for me is..... the most High above all the world can offer to me.. I wish to love as equally as what he does for me.. I wanted to serve Him, because I LOVE Him too.. He was the one who actually touched my heart first.. not single soul in this world can compare..... Once I joked at my friends that I'm not ever want to marry, in front of God's house... Maybe its already the sign of my vocation, I dunno..

In Loving him... I must Love others too, that's the basics of all for serving the God, then I thought... rather than waiting for someone to love you personally, what about those who left behind? Those that need us the most, that we can't even think of?? Would it be rather joyful to love anybody that needs us...and they're being happy because we paid attention to them and give affection to them with all our heart? Contohnya, daripada mencintai seseorang, bukankah lebih baik memberikan cinta kita kepada orang yg lebih memerlukan kasih sayang kita, terutamanya kepada yang haus akan perhatian/ kasih sayang manusia sendiri? Golongan yang tidak berupaya untuk menyara diri, yang sedih, menderita, hidup tak tentu hala, sebenarnya mereka lebih berhak untuk disayangi..... sebab mereka terlalu haus akan Kasih Tuhan.... Y must we waste our love to those who has enough love??

Itula dilema sy sekarang sbb, mcm x adil rasa sebab sy sedang mengukur tahap cinta yang manusia seharusnya dapat, sebenarnya semua pun berhak menerima kasih Tuhan, itu sudah pasti.... tapi bagaimana pula dengan manusia2 yang langsung tidak dapat merasa kasih Tuhan manupun sesama manusia sendiri?? Sedih bukan, mereka tidak tahu mereka sebenarnya disayangi oleh Tuhan... jadi apa salahnya saya lebih mengasihi mereka? Sekurang-kurangnya saya dapat mengurangkan bebanan mereka walaupun secubit pun...

Dan di dunia sekarang ini, terlalu dipenuhi dengan golongan individualistik dan materialistik... dan secara jujurnya saya salah satu dalam golongan tersebut... saya ingin berubah, walaupun sedikit... Saya selalu fikirkan dari sudut org yang lebih x mampu dari saya sendiri, dan saya bersyukur sangat dengan apa yg saya ada sekarang.. kadang2 terasa cemburu dengan org2 yg lebih berkemampuan, bijak, cantik, kaya daripada saya... perasaan sebegitu memang x bagus.. ia melemahkan semangat tuk menjadi lebih baik...

Kekejaman manusia terhadap manusia sendiri dan bumi cukup menyedihkan... perikemanusiaan semakin hari semakin menipis.... kepentingan terhadap diri sendiri lebih penting daripada kepentingan orang lain.... sa rasa sedih... terlalu sedih dengan realiti ini.. hal ini lah yg menyebabkan saya ingin lari... tp bagaimana?

Pemikiran macam ne la yang membuatkan saya bertimbang untuk menjadi sister/nun/novice... saya akan menunggu untuk dipilihNya, I will wait even if it takes forever... saya x kisah kalau x jd pun jd sister sbnrnya... tp saya akan lebih ke arah itu, walaupun unofficially, itu janji saya kepada semua...

IMPROSH - Is it merely name only?

One good friend of mine has recommend me to join the IMPROSH club recently, its for the sake of gaining experience he said...

I want to think deeply of this, do I really want it or not? Do I need experience particularly in this area? Uncertain by these thought, perhaps I should just try my luck.... but the drawback is, I've been "observing" this Majlis Tertinggi whatsoever, from my "naked" eye, I see nothing that this club contributes... is it because they didn' expose themselves throughly? From what I saw again this club is merely named.. but the real activities comes from the sub-events prepared by the students... just like the kelab kebudayaan la, just using their name to get permission from Jhepa to do activities prepared by UiCC, SRN, Theater and so forth... I rather experience in their point of view when managing activities.. in other words, I want to execute them little by little...

Honestly, Im not interested at this at all.... but still giving second thought abt this btw...ayayaaii

Harrghhh Stress Tahap Gaban!!

Aduddi... sa pun x tau napa pla sa x pasal2 tiba2 mau tstress ne~~ Sa risau untuk menhadapi hari2 yg mendatang... Rasa bersalah yang teramat sangat, rs x puas hati, sakit hati pun ada owh...

The thing is..... Seriously y the hell do I feel this way?? Especially this sunday?? suda pg misa/mass.. jiwa sa masih jg x tenang2.. maybe I think too much.. what's worse, Im' not sure what are actually the things that I'm worried about!! Jap..... mungkin sa tlampau byk makan manis kot~~~~ kaya ball, susu soya strawberry, aiskrim coklat.. telebih endorphin kali ne..

Misa hr ne pasal pembacaan dari Ezra kalau sa x silap dgr, intinya pasal peraturan dan undang2 dalam segenap dunia, From womb till tomb... kt akan sentiasa terikat dgn peraturan2... Honestly, I don't like rules and regulation, tp kalau benda ne teda, nnt manusia akan bebas melakukan apa ja sesuka ht mereka, buli membunuh, merogol, merumpak...kan2? Dr perspectif tu, barula sa sedar bertapa pentingnya peraturan2 dlm dunia ne, akhirat pun ada juga ba....waaa~~

BIBLE- Basic Instruction Before Leaving Earth TM.... Instruction tu kira mcm peraturan jg ba~~~

Dilema di Facebook

Hmm, sejak akhir2, ramai jg yang mau add sa kat facebook, kadang2 yg sa tidak tekanal2 pun tiba2 request mau add sa as friend, dan sa rasa sangat x selesa ngan situasi cam ne...

Honestly, I have few close friends only, the last tym I ever had a bestfriend was in high school, I was extremely picky when it comes to befriend others..

Pelik jg sa dgn "dorang" ne, kalau tingu bilangan so called "friend" dorang ne, aatuuukkooiii sampai 200 lebih ba, eehhehe sa sndri ada lebih 100 org suda, itu pun sbb yg mula2 sa open facebook ne, sa men add2 ja, nda kisah la sapa.... tapi skarang ne, sa semakin berhati2 suda.... What's wrong with those BIG numbers?? Seriously do they really know their mates?? kalau sa sendiri, ada jg sstgh tu yang sa langsung x pernah tegur pun, Kalau sa cukup jahat, sa "unfriend" dorang balik owh.... Trus sa terfikir pla pasal mau wat networking, this would be the chance to interact with others.. at least what I thought so

But the problem is..... tegur pun x pernah!! Camna mau wat networking owh?? For your information, I tried to chat with them, post to their wall... but no reply at all... aik? weird rite?

Sm people tue mmg sa x mau add dia la, walaupun sa kenal dorang... ada jg sa x sampai hati kalau sa x add dorang, huh ne yg sa dlm dilema skrg, nnt kalau macam sa perlukan dorang, sa pla terkena balik sebab x add dorang dlu..

Seriously, dorang ikhlas ka mau add sa ne? Atau sekadar untuk meraih ramai kawan? Supaya menjadi lebih popular?

tepuk dada tanyala selera

p/s: sendiri mau pikir daa

Narcissist - I'm damn sure im not one of them

Narcissist adalah sso yg mempunyai penuh cinta kasih kpd dirinya sendiri, kalau ayat yg lebih kasar, org yg siok sendiri la...

Saja mau sharing pasal topik Narcissism ne, my first impression on this type of characteristic are.... proud of themselves, promoting oneself, doesn't think of others, selfish, exhibitionist, arrogant, mintak puji, poyo, perasan dirinya saja yang terbaik, nda peduli perasaan org lain dan perkataan2 lain yang sewaktu dgnnya.

Kadang2 terbit juga perasaan Narcissism pada diri sa sendiri yang mungkin sa telah tonjolkan sedikit kepada kwn2, family, stranger tp tak perasan bila dan bagaimana. Sy percaya semua org pun ada personality begini....... cuma kali ini sa nak tekankan pasal org2 yg melebih, terlebih, dan terlampau sudah Narcissimnya, this type of people are the ones I despise the most!!! Paling sa x suka mau layan!!

Unfortunately, mau nda mau terpaksa juga deal ngan org cam ne, kalau boleh sa x mau fikir langsung pasal org2 cam ne. Hmm susah juga ne sbb ada jg org yg Narcissit but boleh tahan friendlynya, but then again I said, kalau over suda minta maafla, malas sa mau tau pasal korang.

Ha... ne mau crita jg ne, adala masa sikul dulu2, ada la ba sorang gadis sunti (memangla la ba) yg dgr cerita the best students in the class sblm masuk sekolah menengah, bila duduk sebelah dia ne, aduyai penat telinga mendengar dia menceritakan balik ttg pencapaian2 yg telah dia kecapi....Haih.. kalau pasal tue, dkt majalah sekolah pun leh baca la, cari jak nama ko ehehehe.. suma la dia hebohkan dari A-Z, sampai tahap membanding2 dgn adik beradik sndri lg tue~~ "odoi2 org ne kan?" dalam hati sy berfikir..

Sampai pla creta d kampus, mmg x buli lari la dari org2 cam ne, pusing sana pusing sini, asyik nampak ja muka dorang, apa tida dari kalangan classmate sendiri juga ba ahahahaha.. huh ada jg sstgh senior yg sa knal pun cam gitu jg perangai dorang....

Hohoho, pendek crita, sa mmg tak suka la org perangai cam gini..

chow

MPP oh MPP

Huhu sebelum sa mulakan "tugas" sa sbg pelajar uni ne.. sa mau buang masa sket dgn menaip di blog ne..ehehehe

Y this topic ah? You wondering already?
Nda la, sbb season tuk mengundi tuk pemilihan Majlis "pertanyaan" "Pemimpin" (dui yaii sa pun x tau nama penuh akronim ne) suda bermula..

Bukan mau pasang angan2 pun mau turut serta dlm "event" ne, its just that sy telah didedahkan sikit pasal MPP ne, apa tidak?.... hr2 menghadap muka kat opis Jhepa, kena juga la tempias MPP ne...

Sbnrnya, sa jahil sgt ngan perkara ne ba.. I just don't care for real, but lama kelamaan tanggapan tue mula berubah, MPP ne sbnrnya satu platform yang boleh meningkatkan lagi "pencapaian" sso pelajar tue. But to make it short n simple, BIG POWER BRINGS BIG RESPONSIBILITY...
Kalaulah sy memang ada pakej tuk layak jd calon sekalipun, sa sanggup btanding, 100 percent sure..
tp macam yg sa bilang, stakat mau pasang angan2 pun bgs lupakan ja la.

Apa yg bestnya jd ahli MPP ne? Pendapat saya la, langsung x best!! Napa? Tanggungjawab tu amat berat sekali tuk dipikul, terutamanya kalau jenis personaliti mcm sa ne. Sedangkan mau wat presentation d kelas pun terketar2, apa lagi kalau mau wat manisfesto di hadapan umum terutamanya pelajar??

Best jadi MPP kalau ko memang jenis yg sesuai tuk dilantik la, for sure. Sa nampak ada la sorang dua dalam kelas sa yg memang sgt berbakat tuk masuk bertanding, tapi syg seribu kali sayang, dorang mcm x mau pla, "mcm" tu maksudnya mahu dalam diam, tengok tujuan dia la juga... ada jg yg happy tercalon sbb dia ingat dia sudah popular ne, mmg tu la kenyataannya tp, kalau teda motif yg lebih mulia, bgs x payah la jd MPP... Ada jg sorang tu yg sa rasa sayang sekali kalau dia x bertanding, dia mmg ada karisma tsendiri tuk menarik semua org (huh kalau dia tau sa taip mcm ne kembangla buntut dia tu ahahaha)... but its true la, to me (mungkin sa terlampau pandang tinggi dia ne, susah mau cakap)... Ada juga la sorang dua tue yg memang sa X mau langsung tersenarai sbg calon.... mungkin sbb aura dorang nda ngam ngan sa kali tue ehehehe... Sapa la saya tuk menilai orang kan, sa simple jak, u do your work, then I won't complain.

So sa tegaskan sekali lagi la, jadi MPP ne ada pro dan kontranya, dua2 pun lumayan dari segi pemberat2 . Pronya, confirm snang la ko dpt kerja (ahahaha sa tingu dr segi ne la pula), kontra nya, bersedialah dengan pengorbanan yg terbesar dalam hidup ko, risiko terbesar skali ialah dari segi akademik. Byk jg kes sa dgr, dalam satu minggu terpg kelas 1 kali jak!! Huh kalau sa, hr2 g kelas pun nda dpt tangkap, ne kan pula sekali seminggu??

Nasihat sa kepada yg layak tue (Aisehmen), pg la bertanding... nda payah mau tunggu sokongan sapa2, kalau mau jd wakil kepada suara mahasiswa, dan ko ikhlas demi kebajikan kami, percayala, org dapat "merasa" kesungguhan ko tue.. kalau sokongan tu of coursela penting juga, ko bersungguh2 tp teda mau undi ko pun susah jg.. pendek kata pakej ko kna lengkap la...
mana la tau korang mengambil alih tampuk kerajaan suatu hari nanti, oh sungguh bahagia Malaysia nanti ehehehehe....

Sharing pada hari ini--- Aisehmen..

Apa mau cakap ah?
Byk benda ba sa mau cakap ne?
Tp bila mau tulis suda, lupa pla segalanya
alalala, memang dari dlu.

Jum cakap pasal kelas...
Kelas stakat ne masih dalam proses membiasakan diri..
Awal2 ne mmg belum biasa lg, sbb jadual nda berapa seimbang
Bukan mau komplen, tp sa mau JUGA komplen ahahaha..
Patut ba kan, kalau ikut jam biologi sa, sa buli ready utk
kuliah dalam jam 9...
Sebab, sa perlukan tidur sekurang-kurangnya 6 jam, paaaling ok 8 jam..
so besa tidur mula jam 3, yg memang tidur matila maksud sa..
3,4,5,6,7!!! Pukul 7 kena bgn suda, tuk 3 hari waktu kelas..
Bygkan ja, 4 jam tidur... memang nda cukup.. sa paling tension kalau tidur
x cukup, biarla tension pasal study, event, aktiviti ka apa.. sy nda kisah
sangat..... CUMA part jam tidur.. sa paling pantang..

Ehehe ckp pasal jam tidur ne kan, teringat sa sem2 dlu, assignment last minit
maw wat, discussion start jam 12 lebih kurang.. ms 2 otak mmg dalam sleep
mode sd, punyala bengang dgn member2 yg nda sensitif ngan perasaan org..
apalg... sa "mengamuk" bha.. terlampau emosional suda..
So conclusion dia, jgn la sekali2 compromise masa tidur sa, kecuali terpaksa sd la..
2 pun paham2 ja la kalau nda dpt perform btl2 ms tue~~

Apala lg kalau creta pasal MINDs, adui memang mencabar fizikal dan mental owh
Benda ne bukan stakat mau try2 owh, you must be extremely tough.. Badan ko
akan penat sampai memerah keringat hingga ke titisan peluh terakhir, minda ko penat
utk melayan karenah pelajar2 br, dan stamina pun akan haus sbb tidur mmg nda cukup,
dpt tidur tuk 2 jam ja.... selama 1 minggu berterusan..
Sa nda mau lg tuk tahun ne, ada rasa serik sikit dan sa sedar kemampuan sa setakat mana~~
Further push memang disaster punya..

Study pla, sy sdg perlahan2 adjust, masih ada jg bucur sna sni.. risau jg kalau nda dpt
wat seperti yg dijangkakan, kan sa suda post resolution tahun baru hari tue?
Nda pa, pelan2 la.. asal jan alpa sgt la ehehe..

Bible study, stakat ne masih tgh bc kisah Musa kat Old Testament ngan Matius kat
New testament..Musa yg pasal journey dia membw org Israel pg mana tue ah? Yg sa tau
dorang mau lari dr Firaun la. Matius, blum lg sa garap sepenuhnya cerita dia..

Rs ne bukan bible study ne, bru reading.. camna la mau wat bible study ne ah?
Sy mmg dr dlu nda aktif dlm aktiviti church, kurang motivation ba..
K la that's all for today.. sambung wat hal sndri dlu..

Resolutions year 2010

1. GPA sampai 3.7++, setelah dicabar oleh PA...

2. Rutin Harian lebih konsisten, maksudnya nda lupa cuci muka, berus gigi, ngan hal2 yg sewaktu dgnnya ahahaa.. tp serius ne sbb perkara ne sudah jarang sa tekankan.

3. Melayani-Nya dgn lebih mendalam, maksudnya rajin2 baca bible (seminggu 3 kali pastu tiap2 hari lah), p church (sebagai perlayanan yg sa mampu lakukan) dan bt confession, sa masih br so sa blum ada experience pasal bhgn itu.

4. Belajar balik Bahasa Mandarin ngan Jepun, at least 1 day is dedicated to revise a bit of both these language.

5. Improve my Emotional Intelligence, speech, and my critical thinking skills.

6. Jumpa PA seminggu sekali, sedaya upaya cari masalah pas tu berundinglah ngan dia. Kalau teda tue jan la pandai2 p kacau bha kan?

7. Tambah berat badan!! Yg sebenarnya sa rs ok suda sbb smakin kurus, cuma tinggal mau tambah kepejalan otot jak ahahahhaa.. biar tough 2 badan sket.

8. Re-plan hajat mau daki Gunung Kinabalu.

9. Kumpul duit sket2 mau pg Oversea, kena check status passport dlu la ne.

10. Belajar naik basikal, kalau pandai suda, beli second hand punya.. kalau bru punya nda mampu wei.

11. Expand my network connection little by little, guna facebook la sbg main tools dia uhuhuhu.

12. Be a bit expressive, don't care what other's think without challenging their sensitivity.

13. Blajar sket pasal Microsoft Project.

14. Blajar sket pasal grooming technique.

New Year's Resolution, giving 110% of my performance!!

Giving 110% sounds ridiculous to do?? I don't think so. By giving your 100% effort is to work hard at your best, but for the additional 10% to me is by realizing that giving your best is not enough, you have to BE the BEST!! Where the 10% comes from?? Well its by having yourself fully faithful to GOD. I saw an equation abt this a long time ago but I don't remember where >.>

Being 110% is not by making myself better than the others, especially competing those who r extremely good in their academic and non-academic lives, I prefer this resolution as my standpoint to
"tresspass" significantly and conspicous than my previous self.. To put in other words, do the best as best as I can, but the rest let God do His wonder..amen


p/s: Detailed resolution will be revealed soon..

FEAR VS RELIEF- Because of YOU

FEAR OH FEAR~~~

Yup now I am living with fear in my life... It seems that I'm afraid of many things whether its directly or indirectly about me. What do I afraid of? Ok how about I list them down first:

fear of losing.....

fear of losing my interest of my study

fear of my ability whether it meets others expectation.

fear that I might get bored

fear that I might get lost in my journey of faith

fear of what is currently happening in Malaysia (you know "the-banned-word" thingy)

fear of LOVE

fear of failing

fear of losing friends

fear of not making new friends

fear of not being able to mingle with them

fear of losing my family

*fear of not being able to overcome my fear!!

Whew!! That's a lot of fears in my life, i also have the fear for not being able to let out of what I've been feeling these days.. so this blogging doing might somehow ease out some of my fears rather than keeping it to myself.. Who Should I go to when this happens?

I then point myself to one Almighty God the father, Lord Jesus.. It really feels weird owh, the more I feel afraid of things, strangely my love for Jesus MULTIPLIES, this phenomena is really unexplainable, especially when I have trouble to express my feelings into words, that's why la my grammar is still in elementary school level ahaha..

Thanks be to God that I finally knew you are here with me, were and always be.. but sometimes "kedapatan" also when He takes a break ehhehe... Its Okay la, as long as You are "on call"......... then there IS NOTHING to be afraid of..

When Mind goes round and round and round @_@

Lately I've been thinking to myself, what am I really.... i mean what makes me who i AM? This kind of question has been bugging me since the Christmas eve last year... im afraid if i tell the whole story i will forget what is really what I want to express about.

To make it short, I was dissatisfied with my own self, not that I disliked my self for being what I am today but rather about what kind of achievement that i expect to myself supposed to gain... even worse, there a moment of time i concluded that I've gain NOTHING at all.. a CONCLUSION at that?

let me just type what goes straight through my mind at this moment for you guys to see..

I am not good enough

I am being stubborn

I am really emotional

I don't think straight

I don't open my mind wide enough

My eyes are weak right now

I am too serious, about everything

I am black (ahahaha)

I am anxious, depressed, sad

okay, im going to stop now.. finally all seem makes sense to me, Im in merry go round!! sometimes happy, sometimes not.. but right this minute im not quite happy enough.. but how to measure happiness anyway?

My style of thinking is if "this" is "this" and "that" is supposed to be "that".. at least what I thought so. which makes me uncomfortable with that assumption of myself...

I realized finally that I take things/matter too seriously.. but if i dont take it seriously, I'm afraid I take things for granted instead. There's even a time when things like "taking matters seriously" collide and create conflict when these idiom meets the opposite of it and Im thinking BOTH ways.. I find this very serious.. hazardous even!

I want to joke around when im writing this, adding some smileys and such, but my brain telling me not too.. and now im wondering.. where is my Heart? God, I can't differentiate which one!!

*praying*

-end-

this new years *resolution*

This year I want to be specific on what I want to achive.. as specific as possible, to make sure I'm able to determine whether I perform well in effort to go though it or just made another "temporary resolutions"... Well generally, I want to be the best in whatever I do, but then this is simply a subjective kind of resolutions.. say for example, i want to take bath, then I must do my "best" to take bath, isn't that kind of " unnecessary"?

There goes as I said, specific is the main element to describe what exactly I want to "get" this year, let me rephrase that, I would like to state what I want to archive this half year, for narrower scope, the things I want to archive thorough this semester.

Lately, I've been reflecting myself, especially of what I did in the past. Truthfully, I'm really dissappointed with what I did last semester, I wasted A WHOLE but of time execpt for my experience during the Minds session. But the rest i would say, I've wasted myself... so as a consequence, my academic pointer drops.. but that only shows a chunck of crap i've been giving to myself, there a few other "points" drops in my life.

I realized that from this moment on, I NEED to change drastically, for the sake of my future.

*Project halted temporary*

give me some time and I will post more abt them ^^

New Year~~~

Hehe... and here I am, back in UMP campus >.< *sigh*
Seriously, my spirit is going down day by day whenever I think about it
its dark side time bebeh!!
Im quite stressful the first time arrived.. I guess that's the effect of
staying at home for too long.. makes me miss my "honeymoon"

I've been thinking abt what should I write in this blog this time
to be frank, i felt like throwing my whole "brain"
so I dont have to use my fingers to elaborate what im thinking abt

ahhaahha

Now i wish there a brain keyboard that types whatever comes to mind.
Its too full right now and Im stuck of what im going to post about

astaga...

nvrmind..

Is not like U care anyway