When Mind goes round and round and round @_@

Lately I've been thinking to myself, what am I really.... i mean what makes me who i AM? This kind of question has been bugging me since the Christmas eve last year... im afraid if i tell the whole story i will forget what is really what I want to express about.

To make it short, I was dissatisfied with my own self, not that I disliked my self for being what I am today but rather about what kind of achievement that i expect to myself supposed to gain... even worse, there a moment of time i concluded that I've gain NOTHING at all.. a CONCLUSION at that?

let me just type what goes straight through my mind at this moment for you guys to see..

I am not good enough

I am being stubborn

I am really emotional

I don't think straight

I don't open my mind wide enough

My eyes are weak right now

I am too serious, about everything

I am black (ahahaha)

I am anxious, depressed, sad

okay, im going to stop now.. finally all seem makes sense to me, Im in merry go round!! sometimes happy, sometimes not.. but right this minute im not quite happy enough.. but how to measure happiness anyway?

My style of thinking is if "this" is "this" and "that" is supposed to be "that".. at least what I thought so. which makes me uncomfortable with that assumption of myself...

I realized finally that I take things/matter too seriously.. but if i dont take it seriously, I'm afraid I take things for granted instead. There's even a time when things like "taking matters seriously" collide and create conflict when these idiom meets the opposite of it and Im thinking BOTH ways.. I find this very serious.. hazardous even!

I want to joke around when im writing this, adding some smileys and such, but my brain telling me not too.. and now im wondering.. where is my Heart? God, I can't differentiate which one!!

*praying*

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